Good week...bad vibes

Food/exercise going well. I had a mini-breakdown last night on the way to get Ev from school. Daryl is working the early shift at work because his 4am employee is off, so I am doing the school drop off/pick up this week. Andy was in the back of the car screaming (hates being stopped in the car), and I came to a stop at a looooong red light right in front of my office building. I absolutely do not want to go back to work on Dec. 18th or ever. :(

I was SO close to just going to get fast food with Ev because of the stress and the emotions, but instead, I came home and ate a healthy dinner here. Food isn't my problem food isn't going to solve it.

At the end of the day, this weight, the 35 more pounds at least, that I want to lose, will only come off if I keep that in mind. I absolutely hate the customer service side of my job. I hate answering the phone not knowing if it will be a simple fix or a Business From Hell who will take an hour of my time while whining their asses off and/or calling me names. Same with the awful personal banking calls that get put on us. 90 year old men who curse like sailors and in no way should have a computer. 70 year old women near tears because we changed the wording for personal banking to "personal ONLINE banking" or something like that. Someone who is cussing me out about their stupid bill pay issues, like the fact that they think it's instant pay. Same with a business who thinks they can ACH file $$ to their employees same-day with their online banking instead of needing to leave a 24-48 hour window.

I love data entry. Love quality control. Love running and completing reports. Love training. LOVE my coworkers, LOVE them! HATE CLIENTS!!!!!


Ahhh. Had to get that out. I realize these days I am considered stupid for complaining considering I HAVE a job in the financial industry, but I don't care. I'd rather have the "job" of mom. Barring that, either make me the "paper pusher" of the department, or lay me off. I know that makes me ungrateful, just don't care. My important things right now are my husband, kids, and getting healthier.

Stephanie - 11.23.09

I started a food blog over the summer and decided I was not ready for it yet...but now I have started writing in it, even if I'm not so much into this "lifestyle change" just yet. lol! I will absolutely be checking on you guys but I wanted a place where I could write AND post my food...so that's what I'm doing for now. Come visit. :) http://biggyrlpanties.wordpress.com/

Happy Friday!

I am so happy about how this week went food-wise. I didn't buy any "diet" food and just ate very clean/healthy ALL week. Tomorrow is weigh in but my scale is showing about -5! :)

Have been doing those online surveys and product tests. Newest one being Aveeno Baby Lightly Scented shampoo. I love Aveeno, and our Ped even suggested Aveeno products for Evan who is 3. This shampoo smells wonderful, clean and a good baby scent. However, I find I like the gel-type shampoos/baby washes more. This one is WAY runny, very watery/thin, so when I went to wash Andrew, a whole bunch came out when I poured it into my hand. Would recommend it if you don't mind a thin shampoo! I thbink a thicker one is just easier, less mess, with such a small baby.

Today is New Moon day! I think I'd have preferred seeing it on the weekend, early! We're going at 10pm, well, going to dinner at 7, getting in line at 8, won't be home until nearly 1am...long time to be away from my nursing boy! Have to grab a manual pump today hmm. And bringing some granola bars as my "movie snack" and a bottle of water that does not cost $5.

Plan a short, 2 mile walk, get gas in van, put air in tires, and then back to relax!

Long week?

Is it really only Tuesday? I want to see that scale on Saturday! Today I really didn't eat enough, but I ate a lot if that makes sense. Lots of filling foods, but still had 7 points + APs at the end of the night. We went to Applebees for dinner because we had to go grab Ev at school together, and although I had 20 points left, I ate the 7pt chicken/brocolli/potatoes. I had yummy starbucks gingerbread latte (nf, no whip) and rf berry coffee cake (6pts) for breakfast at the end of my walk, lunch was brown rice and steamed veggies on top of a YUMMY spicy black bean veggie burger, snacks were 2% milk, a yummy mint granola bar, and a banana...so I am not at all starving! Huh...

Breakfast with my gfs tomorrow, planning Oatmeal and an english muffin dry. Walking to/from breakfast! My wedding band is spinning around my finger and fits on my MIDDLE finger! My engagement ring has done that for ages, but never has my diamond wedding band done that, even at a lower weight!! Could be the major walking?? Feeling proud tonight. Hope I can hang on to this...

11.17.09 - Stephanie AM

Today is the day I hear about the job and I feel like I can't even take a breath until I get that phone call. UGH!

I did well yesterday. I only ate when hungry! So that meant a protein shake in the AM and then oatmeal at 11am. Of course I was not hungry for lunch (never stopped me in the past!) so I did not eat until 3pm or so. I had a little tuna on a low carb tortilla. Dinner was turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and green beans. I had one serving of each. Later I had some pumpkin fluff while watching Dancing with the Stars. It was a good day!

Day 3...

Perfectly on-point weekend, did power sculpt program and stretching Saturday, and 2 mile family walk Sunday. Today is a 4.5 miler, and after I post I will plan out the day food-wise.


I think I can...I think I can...I think I can.

11.16.09 - Stephanie AM

Obviously, I am super-struggling. I have gained 8 lbs in the last month or two and I might as well have gained 80 - that's how I feel. My clothes do not fit - button down shirts I bought 2 months ago for job interviews! I had the big interview last week and my spare tire was peeking out of the buttons when I sat down. GAH!! This NEEDS to be enough to motivate me, but it's not. I think I am now to the point of absolute rock bottom that it's more comfortable to just stay there, know what I mean?

I should hear if I got the job tomorrow. I FEEL like I got it. So this is a good thing... Toby and I are making plans for him to move back in soon. That will be great on many levels. Life will get back to normal in a BETTER way - we have learned SO MUCH from counseling, most importantly tools to communicate much better than we used to. He is FINALLY realizing and accepting the fact that the way HE was brought up was not ok and it's not ok to continue that communication style... It seems like he has done a 180 in the past 5 months. I know there will be obstacles but with continued counseling and hard work on our parts, things will be good. No, great.

And with him moving back in, I will be more active and not as "bored" and I won't fill that time with TV and food like I have been doing. When he has Stella, I just don't know what to do with myself so I revert back to old habits of eating for entertainment. I am convinced that is where these 8 lbs have come from. I COULD HAVE worked out during that down time, but that was like asking me to poke my eyeballs out. Not gonna do it.

So, I FEEL like great things are on the horizon and that this depression will lift...but now I have to go back to UNlearning these habits I have developed again.

My 2 main goals right now are simple. Just EAT LESS (portion control), no nighttime snacking while watching TV, and drink more water.

That's all I can handle right now.

Mary - you are an inspiration. Keep it up. So proud of you for going back to meetings.

Empowered...

It may have stung that I gained 6 pounds in 6 weeks, but, I have a plan, I am going to meetings. Had the first one today and it was fair. Mainly I need that weigh in at the beginning, but I have to say $7.50 snack bars, $2.50 hard candy in a roll like lifesavers, etc...man, it's insane. Especially in the uber poor neighborhood that this meeting is held in (yes, I will never, ever be going to a night meeting there...), the outragious prices stood out more. The good part of the meeting was there was a good sized group of 25 or so, some only weighed in, but it was bigger than I'd expected. The bad was that I spoke up the most to the prompted questions, even as the "newbie." And the leader is not the best. She literally allowed minutes of silence when the very quiet group wouldn't answer her questions/give holiday suggestions, waiting what seemed too long to jump in herself to fill the silence. Not terrible at all, but just not too dynamic. It will work for what I need, accountability and structure, and something that is just for ME.


Have to plan ahead for the fact that I will be working every 6th Saturday or so when I get back to work, so those Saturdays I will either go to the 7am meeting or maybe weigh Friday night. That is the big point of starting now. For one thing nipping my stress eating/gaining in the bud, and also getting prepared for work. Getting as physically fit as I can before work starts on Dec. 18th.


I can do this. I am really not far from being 100 lbs down again, and "only" 41 pounds from goal. I can do this. Those 14's will fit even better when I get back to work, and those 12's I have WILL fit. Enough exercise and clean eating/water will do it!!

3 months already...

Our sweet boy is 3 months old already. Andrew is snoozing in the swing at the moment, and I will try to take a quick nap (I am sure I only have 10-20 minutes tops...), but I just had to reflect on the fact that 3 months ago today we brought that wee boy into the world. I have one more month at home with him, and I plan to make the most of every moment.

On a not nice note, I finally stood on the scale today. +5 since September. Seriously. It's a really good thing that I took the freak out I had the other day and signed up for WW'ers. First weigh in is Saturday. We will see what I can get done before going back to work. Because this carbo-loading when not running a marathon, yeah, it's obviously NOT working.

On a plus note, all but one pair of jeans from my friend Maili fit wonderfully, all 14's. There is a fabulous pair of "The Sweetheart" jeans from Gap that I am probably 5 pounds away from wearing. That 5 pounds I gained. :p Ahhh.

How are you ladies??

Rough day...Mary

Not sure why, but wanted to eat *everything* today! Booo. There are days where the nearly 100 pounds I have lost seem like nothing. I can't slide back...

First weigh in Saturday should shock me into ACTION.

On a plus note, we watched Niko tonight because our friend Maili had class and her usual sitter wasn't available. How fun! He and Evan got along really well, and Niko didn't want to leave when his daddy came for him! He's a year older than Ev, but they get along very well.

Also, I signed up for survey taking sites during this maternity leave, as they seemed like a fun distraction. I have actually been getting some nice samples, but also some full sized items. Today I got the Aquafresh Iso-Active toothpaste. Oh YUM! I have only used it this evening after I flossed, but will use it a few days before typing up my thoughts for the site, http://www.shespeaks.com/. The canister is a bit strange, looks like my husbands shaving foam, but, it left my mouth feeling super clean! I also received coupons for $1 off, so if anyone wants to try it, let me know!

Next to arrive should be Ghirardelli's chocolate and coupons. ;) Temptation, I know.

Okay, going to get the wee boy to sleep and maybe watch the last bit of Biggest Loser. It's hard to believe I was once larger than some of these guys when they started on this thing. Huh.

amy: not doing so hot.

hellllp.

eating is out of control.

chocolate is a new food group.

i have a wellness screening tomorrow at work for blood sugar, BP, BMI, and cholesterol... and i am afraid they are just going to take one look at my stats and load me into the ambulance.

i need to get this right, once and for all.

11.9.09 - Stephanie PM

I had a good day today. A NORMAL EATING day! I probably had too much portion-wise but part the first stage of NE is letting go of guilt and trying not to associate anything with eating as "good" or "bad." Baby steps. I did eat a can of green beans at lunch and a whole bag of frozen veggies (brocolli, cauliflower, carrots) for dinner. I feel good about that!

My brother and I walked at a local park this morning. He was not in the mood to do a big workout and neither was I so we just walked. The goal was to just get out and explore the park and get some fresh air - and that we did! I am not sure if I will go back tomorrow with Stella (she does not have school on Tuesday) as she HATES being in the stroller and makes my walks miserable! So I'll probably go to the dreary gym. I put some good tunes on my iPod so atleast I'll be entertained for about 10 minutes. lol

Hope everyone is doing well!

Mary - Weight Watchers day...

I made the decision last night to go ahead and join Weight Watchers today instead of waiting until I go back to work. We were thinking financially it would be best to wait, but to be honest we spend the monthly pass fee each weekend on eating out for brunch! And I spend $30/week on Starbucks. So how can I deny myself something HEALTHY that has worked for me in the past?

I'll be weighing in on Saturday mornings, but I'll get reacclimated to the website today. I hope to lose 2 pounds/week until I go back to work, which is totally do-able. That would be 12lbs before Christmas! I will continue walking with Andrew everyday, and have decided that 3x/week I will give Andy over to Daryl, my wonderful hubby, at night after Evan goes to bed, and do the Biggest Loser workouts! Just 30 minutes of me-time, working on being healthier.

There is a long road ahead but this is definitely where I have to begin! :)

11.9.09 - Stephanie AM

It was a bit of a busy weekend... We had a wedding on Saturday. I had 4.5 glasses of wine. Whoops! lol! It was an "in-laws" wedding so can you blame me? I had a BLAST!!! haha. Then I got home and ate too much, which is typical with me and alcohol. On Sunday, I had a great breakfast and then ate so much at lunch that I felt disgustingly full most of the day.

And then this is when I realized I am just rock bottom. I went to Wal-mart for some groceries and a few other items. Walking into the store I realized that my jeans are now high-waters because my stomach and butt have gotten so big, my jeans are now too short. It made me feel like absolute shit.

Then as I was in the check-out line, I run into my husband and child. Talk about strange and upsetting for that to happen. Then we had to say bye and Stella was crying....ugh. I came home and just sat and stared at the wall for a bit. I'm over this. ALL of this. I've gotta get my life back on track.

I ate dinner late last night because I was so full all day. Had a good dinner but then ate 500 cheese-itz while watching TV. My MAJOR trigger. I could eat 10,000 calories while watching TV. It's like my favorite hobby - I "save" meals for times when I know I will be by myself with the TV. It's disgusting.

So anyway, I have joined an online community called "Normal Eating." I am reading the book and it's the first book I TOTALLY identify with. So I paid the $35 lifetime membership (put it on the credit card - bad!)and joined the forum for support and ideas. I hope to get very involved over there so those who are experienced in the book's stages can help me. But I'll be here too. :)

Annie - The Weekend

How is everyone doing?

I swear there is a direct correlation between organization in your surroundings and organized eating. I've felt out of sorts this weekend but as we're picking up the kitchen -- and throwing out the lurking stashes of Halloween candy, to be honest -- it is getting better. One old trick that I employed last night was brushing my teeth right after supper. The laziness in me that does not want to go through the re-brushing ritual prevents me from having more than several cups of hot lemon water or tea. I heard my stomach growl for the first time in a long time last night.

amy: day one/no excuses

i am dipping a toe in, here.

i woke up this morning and it just hit me like a ton of bricks: stop making excuses.

i make excuses because i am tired, i am down, i am busy, someone else is in the kitchen, etc.

the root of all of those excuses is just that i would rather eat ding-dongs. and that i would rather not eat carrots.

i always have yogurt and carrots in the refrigerator. these are items that i could at least eat while i formulate a plan for what to eat. instead, i grab my keys and go pick up thai food.

so, today i am going to try one day without excuses. i have already made myself breakfast and i feel pretty good about the direction of the day.

11.6.09 and 11.7.09 - Stephanie

Glad to see the other girls here too!

Yesterday was an odd day. I was able to calm down from the previous day's worries and figured out that the money situation wasn't as bad as it seemed. Oh, it's bad! But not AS bad. lol! I just need to keep visualizing that job as MINE and keep working towards my goals with Toby and with finances and with everything. Stay focused. I need to break out the "vision board" I started over the summer and hang it somewhere I can see it 800 times a day!

Eating yesterday was all over the place. Breakfast and lunch were great...but then afternoon came and I wanted something so I grabbed some tortilla chips which were basically all crumbs in the bottom of the bag - but that didn't stop me! I ate quite a bit. THEN I wanted something else so I ate greek yogurt and granola. Why didn't I just eat that in the first place? Because with BOTH snacks, I felt like crap.

THEN I realized that I had horrible indigestion from my salad at lunch - too many kidney beans, chick peas, and peas! lol! So, I thought that Papa John's Pizza would solve that. I HAVE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME! So, I atleast ordered a small cheese pizza and some chicken strips for Stella. I ate the whole small pizza and 2 strips. SO FULL and miserable... I know this sounds crazy too but I am proud of just ordering a small. Normally I would order the "deal" and get 2 mediums or 1 large because it was cheaper and then eat way more than what I ate last night so I guess there was some victory. Whatever.

So, as I was folding clothes, I decided to pull out my laptop and watch something off of Netflix. I watched this: Killer At Large: Why Obesity of America's Biggest Threat and let me tell you - I was HORRIFIED! I saw Food Inc this summer and it totally changed me - for about a month. But ya'll - we have got to get healthy for SO MANY reasons. I mean, even for the environment! My fat is affecting the environment! Please watch this if you can. It will help you in your mission to get healthy and change your mindset regarding food.

No more fast food. No more Papa Johns. No more!!

So, I began this morning with my protein shake (casein protein, Amazing Grass Superfood, silk chocolate soy milk, 1/2 banana, and ice) and I am ready to make it a HEALTHY day.

"Average" - Mary

Hello ladies! What a fantastic group to blog with! :)

I think this is really the best time to be recommitting myself to being healthy. Prior to the 2 big holidays, and prior to going back to stressful work in 6 weeks. I have been walking daily, a minimum of 2 miles, usually more.

I have been having to remind myself where I have come from. I got a bunch of great clothes from a girlfriend who has lost oodles of weight since last year, and I figured I still had a way to go to get into the size 14 jeans she gave me. I did though, want to know how far I was from getting into a particularly cute pair. They fit! I am wearing them with a "L" gap white tank and a cute little cardigan that was also in her bag of goodies! It was a good surprise. Still so far to go, but from a size 24 to a 14...I am sure I'd never have thought I'd get here 3 years ago.

Onward and downward!

11.5.09 - Stephanie AM & PM

I am stressed out bad. I'm trying not to stress and worry because things are out of my control...sort of...but my severance/health insurance ended with my previous company at the end of October. We are getting on Toby's insurance at his work and just found out today that it will be $173 a WEEK for the 3 of us. For just Toby and Stella? $44 a week. WTF? If we go with the $173 a week, we can't pay our bills. Period. I only get $360 a week for unemployment and Toby makes decent money...but remember, we have TWO households we're paying for right now. His rent is only $525 a month but that's A LOT of money when you don't have any to begin with. And I DO NOT want THIS to be the reason that we move back in together. I want it to be because we have worked on our issues and feel that we are ready to get back together. UGH.

So, I just applied for an individual short term health insurance policy online. It's not great but it's something. And HOPEFULLY, I will get the job I am interviewing for next week. Apparently, I am their top candidate so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me get it!! I'm really feeling the heat of money and not having a job now... it's rough.

So the thought of any type of diet program makes me want to run to the nearest ice cream shoppe and eat out of the bins with a spoon. I can't concentrate on anything, really.

But I can say, I am totally enjoying the Normal Eating book and I am looking forward to going to lay in bed shortly and read it. And I NEVER look forward to reading self-help books! lol I usually just suffer through them. I am totally identifying with this one.

I had a good breakfast of oatmeal with pumpkin granola sprinkled on top. Lunch was a giant spinach salad with 2 small pieces of grain bread. Dinner was a surprise - my brother called and he was next door at my parents' house. He wanted to take us out so the 4 of us had a great dinner (Stella is at Toby's tonight.) Matt and I split a hummus plate with pita and veggies. Then I had a grilled fish sandwich and sweet potato fries. I ate too much (so full feeling right now!) but I made decent choices all day. Oh, and I drank ALL of my water!!

So, I don't know what to make of this post! lol! Stressed and scared...yet I'm making ok choices and trying not to numb my feelings with food. That is the #1 goal right now with so much going on....

It's all going to work out and life is going to be AMAZING again. I am sure of it.

I've been doing decently well the past few days. It has not been perfect clean eating but I have also not gone insane and dunked my head into vats of chocolate either! My main issue currently is leftover Halloween candy or the on sale variety that my family keeps bringing home. I ate four "fun sized" chocolate bars this morning in lieu of a proper breakfast.

I am torn between following a plan like Weight Watchers which has worked so well for me when I actually follow it but is also very old feeling as I've been on and off it more times than I can count over the last four years -or- just trying to emulate how a person with a normal relationship with food eats. Maybe I'm not at that place where I can do that. After all, I ate chocolate for breakfast this morning. Aie.

Stephanie, it must feel great to have some better fitting clothes regardless the size! Let's work our way out of our wardrobe!

11.4.09 - Stephanie PM

Today was a good day. I did the shopping I mentioned earlier. I found a pair of black pants and a pair of grey pants - both a TAD tight but wearable. The 20's were too big but the 18's are snug. Would love to lose a few lbs to make those comfortable. I made a shake to take with me this morning and left it in the fridge. GRR! So I stopped at 7-11 and got a coffee and a pure protein bar. I had a few bites of trail mix I keep in the car around noon when I picked Stella up, and then wasn't hungry for lunch until 2:30. We did go out to eat tonight and I ate my entire plate of mexican food. Rice, beans, and california burrito (chicken, tomato, onions) and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel guilty about it.

11.4.09 - Stephanie AM

Good morning! I have to share this: I started reading THIS BOOK last night and I HIGHLY recommend it. I am only in 20 or so pages but it is EXACTLY what I was talking about in my post last night. Kind of creeped me out. Must be the universe telling me I am on the right path with my thinking. See, I am OBSESSED with losing weight. I think about it 110% of the time. And with all this obsession and "trying" to lose, I am gaining gaining gaining AND not to mention making myself miserable. That's what the book was discussing last night. I really recommend it. I ordered it from Amazon and it arrived the next day - regular shipping.

Today I am going to Fashion Bug (to return a coat) and to Kohls (to spend a $40 gift card.) I am going to buy some PANTS AND JEANS if it kills me. And they will probably be size 20 - a size I SWORE I would NEVER buy again. So be it.

I made my shake to take along with me. I drop Stella off at school at 8:45 and I'll head on out to the stores then and just leisurely shop and zone out.

I also need to make my spa appointment today. One of my old bosses gave me $150 GC to the Elizabeth Arden Red Door Spa last year for Christmas and I told myself I would save it for when I lose weight. Why do I do that? Anyway, I have not lost and it's about to expire. So, I'm going. Fat people need massages too!!!!!!!!!!

11.3.09 - Stephanie PM

Today was a good day. I had the lunch buffet at Lowery's because Stella could eat off of it for free and I am broke. :) First, I made a giant salad and then went to the buffet and had ONE plate. I loaded up on green beans and had 2 bites of different dishes such as chicken pot pie, mashed potatoes, and fried popcorn shrimp - just enough to taste! I felt like I wanted to go back for more but did not. Woo hoo!

Tonight I made vegetable lasagna with a ton of veggies. Toby came by for dinner and he said "yeah, there's a few veggies in here." lol! I made it with whole wheat noodles, low fat ricotta, spinach, brocolli, and marinara sauce. I had a piece and then went back and fixed myself another little piece...and then put it back in the pan! I decided I didn't really want it and made myself a glass of wine instead.

I had sort of a revelation earlier and it probably won't sound too positive, but it really is.... basically, I am not going to be able to focus 100% on LOSING weight until I get the rest of my life back in order. I need to secure a job, bring in an income again, and figure out my marriage. Things are looking up in all aspects, BUT... I have SO much on my plate, I just need to focus on eating right, getting exercise when I can, and LOVING MYSELF AS IS.

I think before I can be successful, I have GOT to get rid of these constant negative voices in my head regarding my weight and my body. It's awful. I want this to be a major focus for myself. Negativity breeds negativity and I honestly think that's why my weight has been stuck and my eating has just been out of control. I don't CARE. And I have to start TRULY caring about myself.

Deep thoughts for this evening!! ;)

I will just be posting a quick update this morning as I'll be heading out for a good chunk of the day. I was tempted to just hop on the city bus but I'll be walking instead. It's a good 30 minute walk each way to my destination and I will be pushing a bike trailer with two kids and some groceries so I'll count that as my daily activity.

My starting weight is a startling 239.2 lbs. Adios fat!

To my partner, Stephanie: Have a great day! Don't forget to check in if you are struggling.

11.3.09 - Stephanie AM

We are leaving shortly for Tappahannock, VA to visit family for the day. It's only 45 minutes away so it's not a huge trip, but it's an event. We are meeting my grandma's sisters and their families at Lowery's - which is the traditional meet up place since before I was born! Going to make OK choices. I have already had my protein shake this morning (soy milk, spinach, banana, ice, casein protein) so I feel like I started the day off right.

I'll update later this evening. Have a great day, my buddy, and MAKE BETTER CHOICES!